I went for one of the best drives tonight. I got annoyed at all the Redfield drama after hanging out with some friends, and so I left. It had been raining, so the sky was dark. It felt horrible outside, but we got in the car and turned the A/C up, and OH MAN!! Winter in July! The cold air, and the sky... it looked just like winter. The windows were even fogged with the chill of air and our breath. There were four of us in the car... Four of the rowdy ones, might I add... but no one made a sound. We all recognized how serene this moment was, and we knew that words need not be said. I cleared my spedometer and began to drive. The whole time, we chilled to cold air and Copeland. It was the best. I could tell that everyone had been drawn into deep thought, reflection, as did I. It was 8ish, and the sun began to set on the interstate around the 40th mile. It was behind us though, and so I think I was the only one who got to notice the pink stripes and purple hazed clouds centered between a row of trees on either side. I watched it off and on for about ten miles... i watched the horizon that seemed to run away to the end of the flat land that is Arkansas. We broke off onto a wooded highway at one point. It was like a commercial advertisement... we sped through the illusion of this winter day... the turns were sharp, and my car hugged them nicely. We all would come out of our thoughts long enough to smile at the person sitting next to us, saying silently, 'That turn was sweet.' We passed a lock and dam. The way the water foamed upon release, it made me crave the ocean. It was quite ironic, though, the moment I was thinking that, James simply stated, "My dad is a surfer." We stopped there long enough to take a walk through a trail that we saw in the woods that surrounded the Arkansas River. It was strange though, how we all remained quiet for the most part. We walked a good mile through the woods, up and down rickety wooden stairs and bridges. There was a snake lying on one step, which I actually thought was dead. I touched it, of course, and ran away screaming violently after it began to squirm around my hand, as the others lost their breath in laughter. "Ha ha, guys, I almost died!" We eventually came out on the other end, and had to make our way back to find my car. We all got in the car and picked up where we left off. It was truly enlightening, sitting with others you know, and yet you're all in seperate worlds for this moment. The ride home felt deeper than before. It was dark, and the street lights passed the car in that rythmic way that you see in the music videos on television. I took everyone home, and then returned to the park alone. I parked my car in an empty parking lot and watched a heat lightening storm while still in winter's illusion. "I'll see you soon, if you're coming back this way again... I'll see you soon, just say that you want to see me too." I want to be swept away.

Guide me, Lord. Take these doubts and bitter tears away. Bring me close to You.

"Take my affliction
I'm cured with your comfort
Take my affliction

Take my depression
I'm cured with your comfort
Take my depression

Will you learn fire burns?
When all we have is taken
I'm falling to grace again
When all we have is taken"

I've found myself today playing the part of victim. I'm dissapointed, however, as I reflect upon the way I've been acting and found that all these fingers pointing can be avoided easily by one thing... If I would simply do what is asked of me, whether it be asked by my parents, my friends, my boss... who cares. I should have the heart of a servant and my response to their request should not be hesitant to action.

I refuse to be saddened by the consequences of my own actions. I have been blessed beyond measures, and though my faults may seem to out number them by infinity... my blessings out weigh them by tons. I have a beautiful man whose existence in my life is like heaven here on earth. Merely being in his presence calms my soul. To see the grace in his eyes... if I could only tell you how many faults he overlooks. To see a human so forgiving, so accepting, so commited to a person... I can only imagine how great God's love for me is. He has a love for me so deep, if he was all I ever got in this lifetime, my heart would be more than sufficed. "Content" would be an ill depiction and a sad attempt at painting a picture of my heart now that I have him.

The thing that draws me to him the most... there is not a doubt in my mind that he loves me more than he loves anyone else in this world. But likewise... NEVER will he love me more than he loves God... and THAT is the greatest quality that I could ask for in a guy. Knowing that he loves God more than he will ever love me... it is the most beautiful thing that I see in him.

I love you, Bobby ♥ I hope I can do you some justice in this lifetime in my attempt to give you the MASSIVE amounts of love that you deserve.

It's such a long drive from Little Rock to Redfield when you are traveling alone in the darkness with passerbys at 2am few and far between.

Today was strange. It was a long day... double shift at work, more customers with more problems and inquiries than the pay is seemingly worth... but I managed to hold out until closing time.

A girl confided in me today, and the words were shocking; gut wrenching and peacefull all the same. Her words, they spilled from her lips as a cry for help, a white flag of desperation, a seeming catastrophe for such a young girl... but my heart was consoled by the epiphany that here before me, God had opened a door for His hands to shine brightly... and He was using me.

The drive home tonight was one of melancholy reflection. Weariness was ever so present, but my mind shifted rapidly from memory to memory, looking back, looking ahead, taking in everything around me now. My heart fluttered with emotions unsettling and inspiring, sending my eyes deep into the darkness on the road ahead. My fingers hugged the steering wheel and I seemed to stare intently through the pavement as I settled on subconcious autopilot, sorting out everything that lay so heavy on my mind.

The wind howled coarsely in my ears, but I barely noticed as the music, as loud as it could be, covered up the cold... but even still, the acoustics couldn't seem to drown out the thoughts that were violently fighting for my attention. In looking so far ahead, I couldn't help but be taken back.

Children will never learn to embrace their humble age. Tonight, my heart ached for the days when freedom was sparcely given, but my days were not consumed by long hours at work or worrysome nights, thinking of the bills, the things to do tomorrow, the deadlines I have to meet. Rather, days were spent walking about, skateboards at our sides, searching for parking lots and warehouse landings that weren't surveyed by security, anxiously playing daredevil, flippantly challenging the bounds of life, fearlessly on a path that you never thought would end.

Pro-skater, rock star, the best of the best... our dreams were pure and within our reach. But somewhere between then and now, we've tucked them all away, behind the day-to-days and the lives that we don't lead, but repitition leads them for us. Every thing seems so big, and we forget that we're so small. We are trying so hard to tackle this life and be our parents or the ones we see beside us, and we've forgotten about the things that we could see so vividly and bright when we were young and so full of life.

But I'm tired of forgetting, and I'm tired of "getting by". I'm tired of repitition, and quite frankly, I'm tired of this life. By no means are these words from a heart of young eyes. But that's where I find myself tonight, longing once again to have faith like a child. The smaller I allow myself to be, the greater God is and the more He shows Himself to me.

Lord, I'm aching for Your Spirit, I'm longing for Your touch.

Father, You're the one that held me when I knelt down to pray and found that I had nothing to say, and so I cried so many times and I showed You all the pain that this world had ever given me, and You took it all away. Oh God, you've come to me so many times and lifted up my chin, when everything around me faded black and I had strength for nothing more than giving in.

I'm going to bed.